The new season of The Bachelorette doesn’t start until Monday, May 14, but we recently got our first look at the 25 men who will be vying for
their 15 minutes of fame Emily’s heart. We certainly haven’t seen the last of them but the first of them? It’s somewhere between meh and yeeeesh.
I’m not sure where they managed to round up this band of bruisers. They are apparently “eligible bachelors.” What they are eligible for (makeovers?) remains to be seen. Perhaps the applications for the top 25 contenders were somehow lost in a fire or misplaced by an inattentive intern or a particularly hungover producer with an axe to grind, leaving only the contact information for these remaining
lost causes gentlemen. Perhaps People Magazine’s issue of the “25 Most Underwhelming Male Specimens” fell through and ABC figured, “oh why not? Put ‘em on the show. What’s the difference?”
Now, of course, it’s possible that I’m just not into that punch-drunk, unibrowed, hammerhead shark look, but if Emily decides to bite the head off the first impression rose and swallow it whole rather than hand it over to any one of these men, I, for one, will stand up and cheer.
I’m sure some of you may want to take me to task for criticizing and judging these contestants based solely on their pictures. You’ll say it’s unfair, shallow….
So, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
For everyone else, let us consider exhibits 1 – 25. (All pictures are courtesy of abc.com)
1. Hello, Aaron the Shy Canadian Biology Teacher. I’m going to call you Elfin Ed Norton. Aaron describes himself as shy and someone who thinks it’s “hot” when women approach him. He also says he hasn’t been on many dates with “stimulating, thought-provoking conversation.” Already, it’s got me thinkiZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Your tie is crooked Aaron. Good luck to you.
2. Alejandro is a Colombian Mushroom Farmer. As that is the best sentence I’ve ever written, I can’t imagine what more I could say. Wait. Two earrings. Okay, now I’m done.
When asked what three items he would bring on a desert island he responded with a picture of his mother, a knife and duct tape.
Who is screening these guys????
3. You think Alejandro is fun to say? Well, that’s only because you haven’t met Alessandro! A South American theme emerges as we meet this mop-topped Brazilian who loves the great outdoors.
Alessandro gets points for looking vaguely around the eyes like Jack Wagner circa Frisco Jones on General Hospital (Google it) and because of that I’ll probably be calling him “Frisco” or just…Alessan-do instead of Alejan-don’t… or maybe just “you know who I’m talking about, not the one with the earrings whose bio reads like an FBI profiler’s report.”
4. Well, it should come as no surprise to you that the sadists at ABC put this guy in the mix. It doesn’t really matter that Arie is from the Netherlands or that has the eyes of a Husky because Arie is a race car driver. He is here to remind us that Emily’s former fiance and the father of her daughter was a NASCAR driver who died in a plane crash eight years ago. Heavy. I know.
Still, I can’t stop pronouncing his name in a Jamaican accent (Ar-ayyy) and will probably continue to do so for as long as he manages to stick around.
So, start your engines for allll that.
5. Brent is on the show because Chris Harrison lost a bet during a strip poker game with Brent’s mother in an Atlantic City hotel room. Just kidding. But it seems more plausible than any other explanation. Brent uses words like “life partner” and calls himself a “closet romantic” so you know that can’t be anything but trouble.
I’m giving him my first impression rose for awkward & uncomfortable moments.
6. Charlie! Thank God you got here when you did. As far as this field goes, Charlie’s like an oasis in a dude drought.
Hailing from our neck of the woods in Worcester, Mass., he’s possibly the closest thing to a catch we’ve seen so far. He describes his greatest fear as “RATS!!!!” on his contestant questionnaire and he wrote it just like that,“RATS!!!!” I imagine him yelling the word at full volume and that alone is reason enough to award him full points from the get-go.
Charlie is promising. Let’s hope he’s not a man mirage.
7. If you don’t look at this guy’s face and go, “GUUURP!!” or ”DUUURT” then we don’t even know each other anymore. When Chris isn’t busy finding collars big enough to accommodate his neck, he’s keeping a “tidy home” and an “organized mess” at work. But who cares because it’s impossible to listen to anything he’s saying when you’re wondering how long it will be before he stabs you with his Adam’s apple.
He is a little on the Brad Womack-y side, though, the more I look at him. He just kind of reminds me of Brad in that rectangular-headed, doofus sort of way, so who knows?
8. There’s another Jonas Brother? In the time it took you to read that, David’s neck just grew another four inches. This aspiring giraffe is a…singer…songwriter. UUUUGH. Great. He apparently plays “keyboards” so I really can’t wait until this guy gets near a piano when we will inevitably be treated to “some of his new stuff.”
He describes his “worst date” as having been with “a fan.” Yeah, David, a fan of RALPH MACCHIO!! I award no points. It doesn’t matter that he’s even a little cute because he’s already making me uncomfortable in advance of the serenade I know you all know is coming. I’m calling him Ralph Macchifaux or Fauxnas Brother.
Last guy to accuse him of “being here for the wrong reasons” is a rotten egg!!!!
9. Oh my God. Brent (#5) and Chris (#7) made a baby while we were busy talking about Ralph Macchifaux and it’s Doug. (Charlie, why didn’t you stop this???!)
Doug’s “best date memory” is “a really….long….hug” but wait, I’m not finished–a really long hug….with his EX! Sure it was their first date, but still.
Doug the Hug. End of story.
10. Chris, you made a baby with Arie too? Is it just me? Okay, whatever.
This is Jackson. Jackson is a….fitness model? Hello, Jackson.
Jackson says if he could be anyone for just one day, it would be Derek Jeter. If there’s an overnight date, maybe Emily should prepare herself for a gift bag full of 8×10 glossies of Jackson posing his way through an intense glute sesh on a Bowflex. If you can believe the Internet chatter/spoilers that are already out there, it might be a good bet!
We should all probably stretch and hydrate now.
11. Jean-Paul is wild and crazy and spontaneous. Look at those eyebrows!!! No, really. The marine biologist describes the craziest thing he’s ever done: “Quitting my job, selling everything I own and jumping on a plane to travel the world for 6 months – all within 3 weeks.”
Well, the good news with Jean-Paul,the marine biologist is, apparently, all is well in the ocean. Sorry, starfish and sea cucumbers, reality t.v. calls.
As someone who had to put down Eat, Pray, Love simply to prevent my eyes from permanently rolling back into my head, I have a tough time being the expected amount of impressed with people who bail on their lives completely to do things like galavant around the globe. People who do these things like to act like they’ve figured something out the rest of us haven’t, but he truth is: they can afford it. I don’t know about you but I have bills to pay. The only place I’d be “figuring it all out” if I decided to chuck everything is in a cardboard box, if I was lucky.
Jean-Paul’s friends are probably thrilled to be rid of him for awhile only they should probably prepare themselves. Instead of boring everyone with his “I’m so crazy because I dropped everything in three weeks to travel the world” story he’ll be clearing the room with “so when I was on the Bachelorette…”
Also, depending on which side of his face you’re looking at, he looks like a different person. It’s kind of like a Two-Face situation only without the interesting Batman-related backstory and less scarring.
By the way, the face he’s making right now is the one a lot of people make when they’re making a squelched fart noise with their mouths. (Ffffftt!) I think that really says it all.
12. Oh. Good. Lucky Number 13–Jef…with one “F.”
Now, I realize that’s not his fault, but still. Come on. The other ”F” may be hiding under his hair or maybe he left it in study hall. You know what? I just can’t with this guy. I can’t. He describes one of his “worst attributes” as “fun-loving.” The worst thing about you…is how fun you are?
WT (singular) F, Jef?
13. “Dawson Leary grew up and decided to play hockey,” is what I said to myself when I first laid eyes on Joe. First of all, it’s the only explanation for that hairdo, but other than that, Joe seems relatively normal, no immediate red flags.
Because I just said that, he’ll probably hip-check Chris Harrison into the conversation pit before hitting him with an oar and throwing up into a plant stand on the first night. It’s probably going to be awesome. There’s something about Joe I like already.
“I don’t wanna wait…”
14. John here is a “Data Destruction Specialist” which means he has one of those jobs he has to explain to everyone every time it comes up. Annoying. Also, it sounds like he could hack into your computer, which could prove to be problematic.
If this was a makeover show, he’d be the ”After” version of David. If this was Dateline, he’d be the age-enhanced version. Either way, I’m already bored.
15. ”I”m Kalon…like talon” is what this face says when it’s not screaming, “LOOK AT MY TOTALLY WEIRD LIPS!” or “I JUST SWALLOWED A JAWBREAKER BY ACCIDENT!” Kalon says he likes his women to have “overwhelming” personalities to “take the pressure off him.” If this isn’t code for “boring,” I don’t know what is.
P.S. If his name is Ka-lon, like salon?….Oh who cares…I predict we will never see him ever again after you read this.
16. “Welcome to Kahuna Bob’s! I’m Kyle, I’ll be your server!!”
*writes “KYLE” in loopy crayon letters on the paper tablecloth*
“Can I getcha a Honolulu Shooter? Pineapple Poppers?!!”
This is how I imagine it would be to meet Kyle out in the wild. He’s not a waiter at all. He’s a financial advisor, but that doesn’t matter. Look at that shirt.
You are probably wondering what Kyle is like in real life. What lies behind that enigmatic smile? Well, like his pastel plaid shirt, Kyle is a patchwork of personality. He is funny, sensitive and completely, balls to the wall badass…or at least that’s what he wants you to think. How do I know? He’s given us clues by way of his top three all-time favorite movies (all. time. favorite.) They are, in order, Zoolander, The Notebook and Point Break.
You’re trying too hard already, Kyle. We’re all set. Just the check. Thanks.
17. Is it me or is Lerone totally giving off a Shemar Moore, Criminal Minds, Agent Derrick Morgan thing? How great would that be? He kicks out the window out of the limo, “DROP THE WEAPON!” But instead Agent Lerone is wearing a cowboy shirt, sells real estate and is “comfortable in his own skin.” Okay, that’s nice.
Lerone has that comfortable shoe vibe–it’s nothing that’s going to set the world on fire, but it’s not the worst thing on Earth either. I don’t totally hate him, actually. Plus, Agent Lerone might be able to profile Alejandro. That could come in handy when the other men start to mysteriously disappear along with the mushrooms.
18. Who. Needs. A. Hug? (Sit down, Doug.)
Don’t worry, everyone, because Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man is here to be non-threatening and talk about sustainable resources and the joys of wearing sandals with socks. A rehab consultant, whatever that is, Michael “it’s not Mike, it’s Michael” (you know he says that) predictably describes himself as “spiritual.” To top it all off, his favorite artist is John Mayer which terrifies the shit out of me for a multitude of reasons.
No question Michael will be rocking a man-bun at some point and doing yoga in the yard and I. Can’t. Wait.
Okay, Does anyone else need a break? I mean. Jeez. This is a lot. Poor Emily. Okay…pressing on.
19. Kyle, is that you in a different shirt? Honest to God.
Okay, this is Nate. Nate is the guy whose parents have been married 30 years. You know this guy, right? Because his game consists entirely of this one fact.
“My parents have been married for more than 30 years.”
“Oh really? Wooow.”
“Yeah, they’re such an inspiration.”
Nate is this guy and wait for it because that conversation is happening, probably right before Joe/Dawson Leary glides up in a canoe using a hockey stick as a paddle.
“Mind if I cut in here, brah?”
20. Rrrrrrrraaaaaandaaaaaaaaay! Randy “people tell me I look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas” (I made that up) hates it when girls “don’t get his jokes” (that’s actually true.)
He’d hate what I think about that outfit, then.
Randy is giving off that class clown vibe which will either be refreshing or brutal. Let’s hope, for Emily’s sake, it’s the former. Besides smiling like he’s constantly saying, “Heeey!!!!” Randy has two tattoos, one on each shoulder. Wouldn’t it be great if they were comedy & tragedy? Or better yet Left & Right?
Also, Randy’s giving off a “I used to be a fat kid” thing. I think it’s the hair. Emily will tell this guy he is “so cute” no fewer than 14 times. She will mean it in the same way she says it about someone’s pet.
21. This is the guy who says things like “Hey, beautiful” but all you hear is, “DUH.” Ryan looks like a bizarro version of a friend of mine and I’ll probably never get over that.
The fact is: Ryan the Sports Trainer just looks dumb, but even better, he tries to sound really smart and really deep. Exact quote: ”I believe athleticism is the “Art” of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.” There’s no way he didn’t made that up after mistaking IcyHot for toothpaste or while he was busy icing his balls for some reason and I cannot explain why he feels the need to capitalize “Art” and “Artist.”
If you ask me, he should get a rose if he’s able to resist the urge to say, ”don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
I hate you both.
22. Say hello to Sean. Sean’s motto is “If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?” He’s obviously never met Doug the Hug or Alejan-don’t or the Fauxnas Brother or heard about Ryan’s theories on Art.
If you ask me, Sean can laugh all he wants because he’s one of the few guys in this thing worth considering. An insurance agent who got through college on a full-ride football scholarship, Sean is cute, you can probably bounce quarters off of his stomach and, let’s be honest, when it comes to this show, those things will take you a long way–well that and a relaxed attitude about making out with a complete stranger.
I declare Sean an early frontrunner.
23. Oh Jesus. Where do I start?
Besides being a grown man named Stevie, Stevie is a New Jersey “Party MC.” Actually, you know what? That’s it. I’m done.
There’s only one thing to say when it comes to a guy like this….
24. Since Tony kind of looks like an Italian/Latin Jimmy Fallon, I won’t be able to prevent myself from calling him”The Italian Fallon.” That said, he’s cute enough but one of his stories scares me.
“Most embarrassing moment: Hopped a small fence on the Vegas strip, caught my slacks, ripped my pants all the way off with a big crowd watching. Glad I didn’t go commando that day!”
That day? I don’t want to seem prudish or overly sensitive here, but there’s something about knowing someone has a “take it or leave it” attitude when it comes to underpants that just makes me a little uncomfortable. But in this crowd? It’s actually one of the less weird things and so I’m not going to worry about it too much and to be completely honest? I am really just about ready to wrap this up.
25. Thank God we’ve come to the end. Last, but certainly not least is Travis. Travis describes himself as a country boy from Mississippi but also a little “metro.” I haven’t hear the term “metrosexual” in a solid five years as it seems people have stopped caring whether or not men want to wax or tan or use hair products or whatever. Still, we’re talking “metro” by Mississippi standards, here, so that may just mean that he wears shoes…or underpants on the regular (Tony.)
Anyway, Travis kind of reminds me of a poor gal’s version of last Bachelorette Ashley’s choice, J.P., with hair. He doesn’t look like a freak and, like I said, that counts for a lot at this point in the game. I think he might end up at the top of Emily’s list as well.
I don’t know about you, but stick a corsage pin in me, I ‘m done. I think I’m going to have to save my strength too. It’s going to be a long journey. Weirdly, these guys have grown on me just in the time I’ve spent writing about them. Anyhoo, thanks for being on my group date and I’ll see ya after the premiere!
In the meantime, I’d love to hear what you think! Share your thoughts on Emily’s suitors in the comments!