If, like me, you enjoy your share of mindless, trash television, then you were likely glued to what we can probably all agree was the most dramatic finale of the most realistic dating show we have ever seen in modern times last night. If not, then I’m sure you’ll keep your comments about how stupid the show is and how you would never watch it to yourself; because, frankly, we’ve heard it all before and no one cares about your television superiority complex. I think A&E has a new show out called American Blowhard that you should probably check out.
Anyhoo, after weeks of awkwardly flying around in helicopters and battling humidity with his center-parted hair hat, Bachelor Ben finally delivered a final rose and a diamond sparkler to the
second love of his reality t.v. show life, (*Spoiler Alert*) Courtney. In the shadow of the Matterhorn and surrounded by the 50%-off flower bin of Michaels, he got down on one knee and said some stuff I totally wasn’t listening to or couldn’t hear over my own dry heaves–bringing joy to seemingly no one including himself or that hammerhead shark-faced gila monster who at the very least managed to remain mostly dressed through the entirety of the episode. It got me to thinking–what have we learned from all of this?
If you ask me, it’s simple, really. Courtney was right all along.
Stay with me on this. Sure, she’s the worst. She’s been nasty, rude, obnoxious, arrogant and generally awful. Sure, she’s a model who can’t walk in heels and pathologically touches her hair like a preening orangutan. She screws and scrunches up her face in a way that makes you pray to God your mother was right and it will freeze that way. Yes, when she took heat for her horrific personality, she tried acting like a normal person by adopting a stance similar to that of a 5-year-old on the verge of wetting her pants and talking baby talk. She wore a cape.
(I know, I know. Lindzi wore a cape too and we’re supposed to be rooting for her, but, honestly, don’t get me started. I wanted to. I really did, but she spells her name with a “z,” which I know is not her fault, but still. Also, she said, “if it doesn’t work out, call me,” which leads me to believe she was in the horse barn when the “He’s Just Not That into You” episode of Sex & the City was on and it made me cringe for every gal out there. Also, it negates any leverage she would have gotten out of telling everyone she was dumped by The Bachelor in addition to getting that terrible text from her previous ex-boyfriend. Bad Movesville, population you, LindZZZZ. But that’s a whole other story and I’m getting off track.)
My point is that despite the fact that Courtney is not believable as a human being or maybe even as a robot, when she said “WINNING,” she wasn’t kidding. It’s like the iceberg to the Titanic–winning–only no love story whatsoever, just a big f’ing disaster just waiting to happen; a big, cold force to be reckoned with that Ben couldn’t wait to plow into–full steam ahead.
Let me break it down. Bachelor 2012 season in a nutshell.
Courtney did it. She fired the kill shot.
But Lindzi is the one who dodged a bullet.
Ammiright? I mean, come on. It really is just that simple. Look at this mess.
Lindzi really should thank Courtney, honestly, if she gets the chance. Courtney did her a huge favor by taking off her top and acting like Suzy Ho-pants. Courtney did us all a favor, actually–she took Ben off the market–or at least exposed him for the incredibly daft dipstick he turned out to be.
In the rose ceremony that is our everyday lives, this is a couple that can remind us all of something super, super important…we’re better than that.
So that’s it, everybody. That’s my last rose. Take a moment, say your goodbyes.
Can I walk you out?